I've come to a decision...

If you're so anxious about the size of your penis that you just must own an SUV/MiniVan/Gigantic Pick-up, no problem. Here're the rules for ownership:

* 75% of the surface area of your Penile Compensatory Vehicle (PCV) must be painted with the Saudi Arabian flag. This is in recognition of who has true sovereignty over your vehicle choice.

* Your PCV must actually be licensed by the Saudis.

* While driving your PCV, you are subject to Saudi traffic laws. And penalties. ("Nice hand you have there... thwop!... Shouldn't have been speeding, though.")

Quiz I read at museumfreak's journal

1. what do you think causes heterosexuality?

"cause"? that's a bit normative, ain't it?

2. when and how did you first decide that you were a heterosexual?

yesterday.

3. is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

you never know. stranger things have happened.

4. is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

only if "neurotic fear" equals "boredom". other than that, sure, counselor, it's possible.

5. isn't it possible that all you really need is a good gay or lesbian lover?

dunno. are they as difficult to find as good heterosexual lovers? define "good". give three examples.

6. heterosexuals have histories of failures in gay and lesbian relationships...do you think that you may have turned to heterosexuality out of fear of rejection?

not in particular. my fear of rejection overcomes such mild trivialities as gender, orientation, race, creed, color, yadda, and malkovichmalkovichmalkovich.

7. if you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer that?

no clue. i also have no idea how i'd react to being thrown into a nuclear reactor at full bore. i suppose i'm just too timid to be a true empiricist.

8. why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

do they? i mean, sure, the women do, but the men seem to be too involved watching football from the couch. this is presumably why our societal zeitgeist keeps telling guys to be more interested in sex, and telling women to be less so, and sets up a double standard to encourage and discourage accordingly. but i digress.

9. why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

promiscuous compared to whom? certainly everyone's more promiscuous than i, but then, i've been a trappist monk lo these last three decades. merton stole everything from me. honest.

10. a great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals...do you really consider it safe to expose your child to heterosexual teachers?

given the poor quality of education, probably not. keeps the school administrators off the streets, though.

11. a disproportionate number of criminals, welfare recipients and other irresponsible and antisocial types are heterosexual...why would anyone want to hire a heterosexual for a responsible position?

given that i've been unemployed the last six months, i've begun to wonder that, myself. i'll let you know.

12. your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me...why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?

'cause it's so darned fun! or, um, would be, if anyone would play along...

13. why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? can't you be discreet about what you are?

how do you know the spectacle isn't a discreet distraction from the real heart of the matter?

14. heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex roles...why do you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

lack of imagination, mostly.

15. with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling out of control...why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

because most people are selfish twits. on the other hand, i've been in a relationship for 15 years now... so i suppose i've been selfishly keeping her off the market. except for the fact that we're polyamorous, so i don't. hm. what was the middle part?

16. there seem to be very few happy heterosexuals...techniques have been developed with which you might be able to change if you really wanted to...have you considered aversion therapy?

i'm averse to all forms of therapy. what, that doesn't count?

17. do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust members of their own sex? is that what makes them heterosexual?

you'd have to ask the lockmakers. i'm sure they have more expertise.

18. why do you make a point of attributing heterosexuality to famous people? is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

no, it's mostly to have fantasies about people i'm reasonably sure i'll never meet. whoo, that theodora! -- so, it's the ultimate in safe sex, i guess...

19. So how long do you think you'll be experimenting with this heterosexual phase?

i'm more of a results kind of guy, than a timetable kind of guy.

20. Was it a bad experience with a member of the same sex that turned you heterosexual?

no, probably a good one, and i've just been a masochist taking pleasure in denying my true self ever since.

21. Really, you just haven't met the right homosexual.

how much more to the right do you want andrew sullivan or the log cabin guys to get?

22. I mean, I'm totally open to the heterosexual lifestyle, and the choices you make. But really...could you refrain from holding hands? Someone might be watching.

and what a thrill for me that is, exhibitionistically speaking.

23. I don't mind heterosexuality. I mean, I know it'll never happen to anyone in my family or anything.

hm. this appears to put descartes in front of the deshorse.

24. But really, isn't the whole men dressing in suits and women dressing in dresses just because you want to get closer to the normal, happy balance of "butch" and "femme" roles?

could be. i'll ring up the casting director, and see what she thinks...

25. So, are you the man or the woman?

i only get two choices? bor-ing.

26. I just...don't understand how heterosexual sex works. I mean...what DO you do?

you know, it's been so long, i can barely remember myself. or what we do. or, um, something.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

So, when I was in QFC yesterday, I noticed a stack of Wall Street Journals.

And they were... all colorful, and stuff.

Just when did this happen, and why did neither the LJ, Vanguard, nor RASSEFF cognoscenti mention it?