libertango | Ashes all fall down

I'm watching Scorsese's The Age of Innocence. And just now, we hear in the voice-over, straight from the novel, "The taste of the usual was like cinders in his mouth, and there were moments when he felt as if he were being buried alive under his future."

The thing is, I can tell you the image of cinders or ashes in the mouth is no mere phrase. One can genuinely have that reaction, and it can taste like that.

There was someone I knew. She's an immigrant. Which specific country she's from isn't so important for this story as to know that it's in the southern Balkans. Make it the imaginary country in The Lady Vanishes, if it pleases you (and you might not be so far off).

Anyway, we'd known each other online for a long time. Through my various business travels, I had the chance to meet her. I've done that sort of meeting many times, and it always seems to me that I'm a disappointment to whom I'm meeting. This was no different, although perhaps more strained, more brittle, more fragile.

We part, and that night I'm hunting for dinner. I notice in United's Mileage Plus Dining guide that there's a Turkish restaurant in town.

My uncle George married a Turkish woman, and my mom and I were on the cusp of taking a trip to meet our new in-laws. It never came off, and they've since gotten divorced, but if you know me, you know that once a country catches my interest, I follow it for a long time. If I haven't ever been to Izmir, at least I could have some of the food, yes?

I go to the restaurant, and it's served buffet style. It's not outstanding, but it's pleasant enough. It's the kind of older, East Coast ethnic restaurant that's covered in posters from the consulate and the tourist board of the old home country.

I'm chomping away, and looking at the "scenery" when it hits me: The Balkans. Turkey.

The Ottomans. And their conquests. The cruelty of any imperial enterprise.

And I realize my mind has played a subtle, cruel joke of its own. It was a way of "getting back" -- of associating with the former tyrants of her land.

No... "Cinders in his mouth" is not just a literary image. It's real. If you'd been with me, you'd've thought it was a movie. I dropped my fork, got up, paid the cashier, and left immediately. I couldn't eat anything that night.